The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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