So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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