my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
