no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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