At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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