somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
