I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
