Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
