Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
