I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
