I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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