I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
