Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
