I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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