i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
