No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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