Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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