I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We had sex on a dog bed..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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