i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
