i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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