I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
