Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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