dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
