she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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