so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
