I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
