I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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