i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He passed out mid-signature
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
