dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
