listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
