Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
