Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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