i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
