I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
