I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
