the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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