and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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