I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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