At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
