I think my fart just growled at me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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