I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
