my vag is so smooth its legendary
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
