I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
