I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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