you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
