What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
