There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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