Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
