i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
