He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if only i could text you this smell
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
