Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
