I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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