shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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