I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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